A Notable Absence...

In 1986, my own world turned upside down when my mother and father died suddenly within a month of each other. It was a very difficult and uncertain time in my life, particularly since I was still in college.  I continued taking classes and graduated on time with my classmates, but it was not easy.  I once heard that grieving does not get easier...it is not a matter of learning to live with out the person, it is learning to live around the holes they have left behind.  
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Three years later, I walked down the aisle with my college sweetheart, but there was a noticeable absence.  I felt it when I was selecting my wedding gown.  I felt it during taste-testing cakes with my fiance'.  I felt it during the rehearsal dinner.  I felt it standing at the altar, and all spaces in between.  The absence of the two dearest people in my life was the elephant in the room.  My uncle escorted me down the aisle to give me away, and my sister lit the unity candle in place of my mother. We had as close to a traditional ceremony as possible...but still they were gone.  

It has been 26 years since that wedding day and still the bittersweet emotion is familiar.  Today, as I work with couples to create the perfect wedding day, I encounter brides and grooms who have lost a significant person in their own lives.  It is important to discuss the relationship they had with the person who has passed. It is also appropriate to acknowledge the memory of the person who has passed during the ceremony in some way.  This is particularly important to do so if it was a recent passing.

Some couples choose to silently light a candle in honor of the person.  Others will place framed photographs on a "Memory Table" at the reception.  Still others will simply hold a moment of silence for the person at the beginning of the wedding ceremony.  One of my personal favorite ways to honor the memory of a loved one is to carry something that represents that person or something the person once owned.  

Several brides I have worked with have chosen to pin a broach or wrap grandmother's necklace around the bridal bouquet, another chose her father's favorite song as her processional music. During my own wedding, I placed a photograph of my father escorting my sister down the aisle (She had obviously been married before me!) into the bodice of my wedding gown.  Just before I stepped onto the aisle runner I glanced at the picture...He would have been so proud!  I felt the presence of my father at that moment, and it gave me a sense of calm and security. I was, after all, still daddy's little girl...

I would like to close this post with a suggestion to anyone working with a grieving bride or groom.  It does not matter how many years before the wedding that the death occurred, it will still be a day of profound sadness mixed with the happiest of emotions.  Here is a sample from a recent wedding ceremony which I feel both honors the deceased yet captures the significance of the day:

"Let us also take a moment to recognize those loved ones who could not join us today; particularly, the beloved grandparents of the bride and groom.  We would also like to acknowledge the notable absence of Brad’s close friend Jason, who would have been a member of the wedding party today. 

Please join me in a moment of silence as we remember…

Although it would be easy for these absences to mark this a sad occasion, they would want to see you all so happy today, celebrating this new beginning and full of joy---We won’t disappoint them!!"