A Notable Absence...

In 1986, my own world turned upside down when my mother and father died suddenly within a month of each other. It was a very difficult and uncertain time in my life, particularly since I was still in college.  I continued taking classes and graduated on time with my classmates, but it was not easy.  I once heard that grieving does not get easier...it is not a matter of learning to live with out the person, it is learning to live around the holes they have left behind.  
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Three years later, I walked down the aisle with my college sweetheart, but there was a noticeable absence.  I felt it when I was selecting my wedding gown.  I felt it during taste-testing cakes with my fiance'.  I felt it during the rehearsal dinner.  I felt it standing at the altar, and all spaces in between.  The absence of the two dearest people in my life was the elephant in the room.  My uncle escorted me down the aisle to give me away, and my sister lit the unity candle in place of my mother. We had as close to a traditional ceremony as possible...but still they were gone.  

It has been 26 years since that wedding day and still the bittersweet emotion is familiar.  Today, as I work with couples to create the perfect wedding day, I encounter brides and grooms who have lost a significant person in their own lives.  It is important to discuss the relationship they had with the person who has passed. It is also appropriate to acknowledge the memory of the person who has passed during the ceremony in some way.  This is particularly important to do so if it was a recent passing.

Some couples choose to silently light a candle in honor of the person.  Others will place framed photographs on a "Memory Table" at the reception.  Still others will simply hold a moment of silence for the person at the beginning of the wedding ceremony.  One of my personal favorite ways to honor the memory of a loved one is to carry something that represents that person or something the person once owned.  

Several brides I have worked with have chosen to pin a broach or wrap grandmother's necklace around the bridal bouquet, another chose her father's favorite song as her processional music. During my own wedding, I placed a photograph of my father escorting my sister down the aisle (She had obviously been married before me!) into the bodice of my wedding gown.  Just before I stepped onto the aisle runner I glanced at the picture...He would have been so proud!  I felt the presence of my father at that moment, and it gave me a sense of calm and security. I was, after all, still daddy's little girl...

I would like to close this post with a suggestion to anyone working with a grieving bride or groom.  It does not matter how many years before the wedding that the death occurred, it will still be a day of profound sadness mixed with the happiest of emotions.  Here is a sample from a recent wedding ceremony which I feel both honors the deceased yet captures the significance of the day:

"Let us also take a moment to recognize those loved ones who could not join us today; particularly, the beloved grandparents of the bride and groom.  We would also like to acknowledge the notable absence of Brad’s close friend Jason, who would have been a member of the wedding party today. 

Please join me in a moment of silence as we remember…

Although it would be easy for these absences to mark this a sad occasion, they would want to see you all so happy today, celebrating this new beginning and full of joy---We won’t disappoint them!!"

The Brochure of Wedding Day Decorum

I sometimes wish I could hand out brochures to everyone but the bride and groom at the beginning of a wedding.  Sort of a "How To Behave Yourself Because the Day Is About Them Not You"  decorum guide.  Of course, this brochure would have to come equipped with selflessness, empathy, and the knowledge when to keep one's mouth shut! (It might also include a breathalyzer test, but that is another blog for another day!) 

A wedding is meant to be shared.  If you are a guest at a wedding, you were invited because you are loved.  Everyone enters the space with emotion attached to weddings, love and relationships...literally for better AND for worse.

Today I officiated a wedding where there was quite a bit of family drama.  The cast of characters included ex-husbands and wives, a step-mother, a step-sister, a half-sister, several sets of grandparents, one grandfather who had to work and could not attend...there was  jealousy, intrigue, gossip, short tempers, and unfortunately, a frustrated bride who finally succumbed to tears.

Getting married can stir up a lot of emotions for everyone involved, but it is particularly stressful for the bride.  Not only has she spent a lot of energy trying to make everyone feel involved and not hurt any feelings, she has also spent countless hours listening to suggestions...From wedding decor to where to seat Aunt Edna, the process of planning a wedding itself promotes growth and change that can be very confusing and nerve -wracking. Many unresolved emotions about parents and family will come to the surface. What to do...???

It is important for a couple to recognize they are embarking on a journey.  Stepping onto a new path from one part of life to another can, in and of itself, create a wide range of emotions.  This is not an inner sign that the couple should not marry; but it is important to honor emotions and fears that arise. The fears and mixed emotions that go along with blending families are natural and it is important to be honest with yourself and your soon-to-be spouse during this time. 

Unfortunately, my wedding brochures have not hit the market yet, so you might have to withstand thoughtless and even spiteful comments about the bridesmaid's dresses or your choice of caterers.   If you do find yourself shedding a tear or two over a hurtful comment, remind yourself that tears on a wedding day are considered good luck! Above all else, please remember that the exchange of vows and celebration is about the two of you. The day is yours...the day is beautiful!

What To Do On A Blustery Day?

It was gorgeous...a simply beautiful 76 degree day with plenty of sun.  The wedding coordinator had the runner in place under the outdoor canopy and candles were set along the aisle to be lit when the time arrived.  The Unity Vase was positioned on the white lace-draped table and the Groom was preparing to take his place at the altar.  A few moments later as the music rose and the Bride stepped onto the runner, a gust of wind blew the candles out-- and worse---the Unity Sand vases were tipped over sending pink and brown sand spilling out over the table. As I reached for the vases I heard the Bride say "This isn't happening..."

But it was.  And it did.  And so the moment went on.  

No matter how many details you check off the list and no matter how many mini-emergencies you are prepared to deal with on your wedding day, you cannot dismiss the prowess of Mother Nature.  She doesn't need an invitation to your ceremony nor does she require a seat.  She can pop out of nowhere and leave you to deal with the surprise.  What do you do?  

You simply go with the flow, so to speak.  Do not waste your time feeling disappointed that it did not go perfectly as planned, but relish those little moments as memory-makers.  

When the time came to pour the sands together into one vase it occurred to me that the couple getting married had already faced some dilemmas together.  A couple truly in love standing at the altar has already pledged to one another to stay side by side for better or worse.  This particular couple had already seen their share of "worse" and so I felt moved to ad lib a bit...

"...Just like all relationships, it looks as though you have already spilled a little sand...Who here has not spilled some sand from time to time? It is what you do with the sand after the ceremony that makes a difference."

What did the couple do?  They made a half brown and half pink heart in the sand spilled on the table in front of their Unity Vase.  It made a delightful photo opportunity!  Afterwards the Newlyweds brushed the sand into their hands and, making a wish, scattered the grains to be carried off into the wind...It was better than any of us could have ever planned for.